The Gay Boy’s Guide to the Start of the Millennium, Volume 1: Introduction

“The Gay Boy’s Guide to the Start of the Millennium, Volume 1: Introduction”

-A Play on Gabrielle Bouliane’s “The Single Girl’s Guide to the End of the Millennium, Volume 1: Introduction”

• Understand that future sex is not the price you pay for any STD you might contract.
• Don’t steal another man’s boyfriend if you can’t stomach having him stolen from you.
• Kill mean people with kindness; if that doesn’t work
• kill them with scissors.
• Say “fuck me” more than “fuck you.”
• Remember you do not get unlimited opportunities to be a good friend.
• If the entire state of California’s allowed to black out from time to time, so are you.
• Never pay for drugs.
• Stay home when you’re sick with something contagious.  It’s not about your illness; it’s about everyone else’s health.
• It’s better to scream the truth than whisper a lie.  But realize people have more faith in those who whisper.  The moral: Whisper the truth.
• The most uncomfortable condom’s got to feel a lot better than HIV.
• As my friend Richard taught me, remember that you’re boring if you’re bored.
• When your friend is diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than a year to live, don’t assume you’ll have until summer to see her for one last goodbye.
• NEVER let a man inside you if you haven’t shit at least one time in the previous 12 hours.  Even if he claims he won’t mind if there’s an accident.  He will.
• Drink tequila when hanging out with friends.
• Drink Pepto when hanging out with family.
• Never let heterosexual people redefine your understanding of homophobia.
• Count to 20 before scolding a dog that’s destroyed a prized possession.  Don’t forget the “Mississippi” rule.
• Don’t do these things alone:
  • Drugs
  • Watch or read The Shining
  • Mourn
  • Hitchhike
  • Enter the wet area of a gay gym
  • Go to jail
• At least once, fuck an unattractive guy you find intellectually stimulating.
• Tell at least one tyrant boss to “Fuck off!” before you quit, so you know what it feels like.
• Beware of bartenders in AA.  Too much paradox.
• Know what’s worth your time, and who isn’t.
• Befriend the class scapegoat, or most unpopular person at work or school.
• Never let your worst enemy see you in anything but a state of utter and heartfelt bliss.
• Apologize for YOUR actions, not THEIR feelings.
• Know what sound a condom makes when it breaks in you.
• Understand abusers abuse everything, especially second chances.
• Be able to go 24 hours without:
  • The sound of gunshots in your neighborhood
  • Crying
  • The keys to your apartment
  • A car
  • Internet
  • Cash or credit or checks
• Upon meeting a person, never turn your back to his (or her) face and wall him (or her) out of the conversation.
• If a friend’s diving equipment malfunctions, accompany her back to the boat.  Never leave her underwater and alone.  Ever.
• You have to get a hold of yourself before anyone worthwhile will want to get a hold of you.



iPad

I’ve been following rumors about this device for a year and couldn’t wait for the big reveal on January 27^th.  Jobs promised Apple’s latest offering would be a revolutionary gadget.  The New York Times even likened the impact of Apple’s tablet to a bit of stone made famous for its 12 Commandments.  With all this hype, I saved the money I earned from the sale of my 4-year-old iMac and put it toward an Apple Tablet iSlate iPad.  (My friend Tracy quipped that “iPad” is what Minnesotans already call the iPod.)  The good news: I can use that money on another device.  The bad news: The product is a total letdown.

Before the poorly named iPad was released, many people feared the gizmo would be nothing more than a big iPhone.  If only it were a big iPhone! If anything, the “revolutionary” iPad is a scaled-down, big-screen version of Apple’s phone.  I say “scaled down” because the iPad doesn’t have GPS, a camera, or make phone calls, and consumers have to spend an extra $130 for 3G access, not to mention additional month-to-month 3G data service with AT&T, a company that can’t even support consistent 3G service for the iPhone.  This isn’t a revolutionary product; it’s re-inventionary.  A front-facing camera with video iChat capabilities would have made this a must-have item.

Moreover, a bulk of the iPad’s reveal focused on applications and functions I would rarely if ever use.  I won’t read books on a digital device.  Can you imagine using an iPad on a beach? Or by the pool? Who needs to pay for a New York Times application when there’s a TON of free news on the web? And who in the hell uses iWork?!?

Don’t be surprised when various media outlets gloss over the iPad’s shortcomings; traditional media outlets and all their technology reviewers see the iPad as a way to save print industry.  They’ve already started pre-empting the negative feedback, claiming that naysayers will look like idiots when the technology is released.

At least the SIX DIFFERENT prices ($500-$830) of the iPad won’t break the bank.  But, really, how good are those prices? When Jobs discussed cost, he mentioned rumors about a $1000 price point and then smugly announced that the cheapest version of the iPad would be $500.  Who the hell do you think started the $1000 price point rumor? Spreading rumors about the price of a highly anticipated device has become a key marketing strategy for Apple.  Make everyone think the product will be $1000 and then they won’t be shocked when you say it’s anywhere between $500-$830, sans essential peripherals.  I liken this to a teenager asking his mother for $100 in the hopes of getting $50.  Come to think of it, I wish Obama would sit down with Apple’s marketing team and learn a few key negotiation strategies.

Pentadic Ratios

Ragan Fox Breaks Down Kenneth Burke’s Pentadic Ratios

(If you use this chart in your class, credit me.  This display took longer than you might think to construct.)

Ratio                            Definition                                   One-Sentence Example

Scene-act	Setting determines action.	“The ominous cliff compelled him to kill himself.”
Scene-agent	Setting determines the person.	“You are where you come from.”
Scene-agency	Location determines appropriate tools for the job.	“If you live in the city, you better have a gun to protect yourself.”
Scene-purpose	The location determines what a person hopes to accomplish.	“I work at a restaurant. My goal is to make you happy.”
Act-scene	The action shapes the location.	“My church wasn’t the same after the priest stole donations.”
Act-agent	The action shapes the person.	“You are what you do.”
Act-agency	The action determines which tools are right for the job.	“If our men go to war, they need body armor.”
Act-purpose	The action tells you something about the person’s intent.	“A person would only act that way if he was trying to save his child.”
Agent-scene	The person shapes the setting.	“The whole office changed when she started working here.”
Agent-act	Certain people act in certain ways.	“Homeless people always ask me for money.”
Agent-agency	Only these people have access to the right tools.	“The president does not negotiate with terrorists.”
Agent-purpose	A person’s character tells you something about their intentions.	“All liberals want to destroy the country.”
Agency-scene	The tools constrain and enable the setting or situation.	“A hospital is only as good as its medical equipment.”
Agency-act	The tools determine how a person will act.	“If you put a gun in a child’s hands, he’s probably gonna’ pull the trigger.”
Agency-agent	The available tools shape a person’s character.	“Unlimited power creates tyrants.”
Agency-purpose	The available tools shape a person’s intentions.	“Without rescue equipment, this became a search for dead bodies.”
Purpose-scene	A person’s intentions affect the situation or setting.	“Courtrooms are bastions of dishonesty, because lawyers care about winning more than truth.”
Purpose-act	A person’s intent shapes his or her actions.	“The murder was an act of self-defense.”
Purpose-agent	A person’s intent reflects his or her character.	“I’m not a bad person.  I didn’t mean to hit you.”
Purpose-agency	Intention determines the right tools to use for the job.	“If you want to help me, shut up for a second!”

memory lane

In the 1070s, I was Rachel Zoe before Rachel Zoe was Rachel Zoe.  Hand to God, I’d wear that outfit tomorrow night if it were hanging in my closet and a few sizes larger.  I seriously look like I’m an extra on “Good Times.”

When I was a senior in high school, I tended bar at a gay after-hours club on weekend nights.  I was also super active in speech and debate, an activity that took over my weekend days.  I would leave speech competitions at 8 at night, drive to downtown Houston to bartend until 4 a.m., and then race back to Cypress to catch a 6 a.m. bus to whatever tournament at which my school was competing that weekend.

I was also active in my high school’s theatre department.  I’m the one sandwiched between the two blonde babes, Cori and Leita.  The other guy is Brad Stephens, my best friend from high school until the millennium hit.  What the F is up with the set design? Who lives in a bright orange house?

Jason, Ragan, and Brad in 1995ish.   Do you like our alien eye-shaped sunglasses? How about our forced smiles? Jason and Brad dated for a short period of time.  This was back in the day when Brad dated every person (boy and girl) with whom we came into contact.  In the summer of 1995, Jason and I decided to drive to San Francisco and sublet an apartment for the summer.  We packed up his odious little car and drove our twink asses from Houston to the Bay Area, spent two days next to the Golden Gate, and then ran screaming back to Texas.  SF is my bad luck city.

In the cut-throat world of collegiate speech tournaments, a “slick” describes one page of a performance text.  Slicks are kept in a little black, 3-ring binder performers hold as they interpret their selections.  This is a slick from the POI (program of oral interpretation) I performed my senior year.  The program chronicled the life and death of Oscar Wilde.  The typed text was my favorite line in the performance.

I’ve had a lot of best friends.  Marty and Brad have meant the most to me.  Here’s a rare picture of them together.  Marty currently lives in Austin; we continue to talk on the phone on a weekly basis.  Brad is a designer in New York City; we, unfortunately, no longer talk.  No argument.  Our friendship sadly fizzled.  But I’m confident that, one day, we will rediscover our bond and have many moments inspired by the movie Beaches.  As long as I’m not the one who dies.  These guy are the real deal.  Fantastic people who were so incredibly instrumental in shaping who I am today.

This is a picture of me on the set of my first solo production, Ragan: No Ease.  The play was horrible, a true crap disaster.  I had to stage a few disastrous one-person shows and write a lot of bad poetry before I could start writing and producing anything of merit.  At any rate, Ragan: No Ease was staged at an artist commune/coffee shop/performance space in Houston called notsuoH.  That’s Houston spelled in reverse.  Aren’t people in Houston creative?

Jeff, Ragan, and Adrian.  Jeff’s an old roommate and Adrian was dating my friend Nathan Treu.  This was, by FAR, the most tumultuous gang of misfits with whom I’ve ever hung out.  I no longer speak to anyone in this group.  I don’t think anyone was a bad person; during our friendship, many of us were in dark and selfish places.  This picture kinda’ sums it up: Here we are, 3 attractive young men bathing in bright sun but still caught hopelessly in blacks, whites, and shadows.  I save the SHITTY metaphors for my blog entries!

Here I am with Jeff and Exavier.  We’re running in our Charlies Angels “Get him!” pose.  Jeff loved wearing my clothes.  That’s my XXX a-shirt.  There’s no telling how many articles of my clothing got “lost” in Jeff’s bedroom.  Seriously, I think the island on the TV show “Lost” is based on his closet and all my ratty Urban Outfitters shirts were doomed passengers on Oceanic flight whatever-who-hum-ho.  Jeff and I had high highs and low lows.  When we were having a good time, we were having the greatest time; when we fought, things got nasty.  It’s funny how many friendships in my 20s were governed by that paradigm.  I haven’t had a REAL argument with a friend since Paul and I ended our friendship a few years ago.  Peace, mutual respect, honesty, and reciprocity are nice.

And here’s Ira, the only man I’ve ever loved and the subject of several poems in my latest book Exile in Gayville.   As I say in Exile, “Ira will not be love that lasts past San Francisco.”

I love this picture of Ira.  The shirt, hat, and smile.  Despite my writing, this is how I choose to remember him.

10 Goals/Resolutions for 2010

“I wanna’ lose weight!” is probably the most common resolution for the new year.  I, fortunately, don’t have a weight problem.   But I do have resolutions! In the spirit of 20TEN, here are 10 things I‘d like to will accomplish.

1.     To earn early tenure and promotion.  I go up early in fall of 2010 and won’t find out until spring of 2011, so this goal will span two years of goals and resolutions.

2.     To start LOOKING at men I find attractive.  When a hot guy stares at me, I tend to look in the opposite direction.  In 2010, I resolve to end the self-sabotage.  I will make a game out of eye contact.  From January to March, I resolve to return lusty looks for at least 2 FULL seconds.  From April to August, I resolve not to break eye contact with sexy men until they break it with me.  From September to December, I resolve to smile and say “hi” to men I find attractive.

3.     Continue to spend less money.  Over the last 6 months and prompted by a faculty furlough, I’ve cut my AMEX bill by $1000 a month.  I’ve done this by cutting down on my impulse purchases, clothes shopping, and dining.

4.     I’d like to go on one REAL vacation this year.

5.     To have an essay accepted for publication in a new journal in which my work’s never been published.  This means no Western Journal of Communication, Journal of Homosexuality, Qualitative Inquiry, Theatre Topics, and absolutely, positively no Text and Performance Quarterly.  TPQ is, for the record, my favorite journal but I have, like, FOUR pieces coming out there in 2010.  Karma and I are working on a piece about queer pedagogy, so hopefully we’ll be able to explore some new (for us) publication terrain.

6.     Forge friendships with more straight people.  Some of my greatest friends in Austin were straight, and, from time to time, I miss hanging out with people who aren’t gay.  By this time next year, I’d like to have at least two close straight pals in Los Angeles.

7.     I want to start writing poetry again.  I’ve hardly written anything since Exile in Gayville came out.  I’d like to successfully complete the National Poetry Writing Month challenge, which means writing one poem a day in April.  I completed this challenge a few years ago and am ready to do it again.  By December of 2010, I want to have at least 30 new poems (or half a manuscript) written.

8.     I will travel to Austin to see my friend Gabrielle Bouliane.

9.     To more regularly produce episodes of my podcast, Fox and the City.  I’d like to produce at least 2 shows a month and have regular deadlines, namely the 1^st and 15^th of every month.

10.  To significantly diminish my road rage.  This means no more yelling, cursing people out, or getting sarcastic when I drive the mean streets of Los Angeles.

2009: An Interactive Retrospectivus

Check out the linked text to explore specific themes in more detail.

Was the year too fast or too long: Too fast and too long.  Somebody told me that years go by faster the older you get because, as you age, one year is a less significant fraction of your life.  In other words, a year seems like ages for a 4-year-old because one year is a fourth of his or her life.  For a 33-year-old, one year is only a 33^rd of a person’s life.  The year also seemed too long because it was a spectacularly shitty year for most people I know.

Major Events: The death of my grandfather and publication of Exile in Gayville.

Biggest accomplishment: The Long Beach Post named me one of the 10 best teachers in Long Beach. I also wrote a LOT of scholarship that’s currently in press, including “Re-Membering Daddy” (TPQ), “Performing a Critical Virology” (WJC), “Tales of a Fighting Bobcat” (TPQ), “From Exile to Gayville” (TPQ), and “Ragan Fox is a Gay Slam Poet” (TPQ).

Biggest failure: Anything to do with dating men.  When I find a guy interesting and/or attractive, I self-sabotage.  A hot guy at the gym stares at me with bedroom eyes? I look the other way.  Talk to somebody interesting in a bar? I immediately start laying the groundwork for a friendship.  I’m a fiercely independent person and don’t need to be in a relationship; but I also don’t think I have the healthiest attitude when it comes to dating.  I rarely give any of my potential suitors or myself a shot at romantic bliss.  When I do open up, I pick emotionally unavailable men.  For all of these reasons, I give myself a big, fat f’ing “F” (for FAIL) in the dating department.

Biggest regret: Not attending my grandfather’s funeral.  I don’t really vibe with my mother’s side of the family and never had a close relationship with my grandparents; but my mom is the most important person in my world and I should have been there to support her.

Best memory: Just about any time all my WeHo friends managed to be out together on a weekend night.  I feel very fortunate to have people in my life, like Jayson, Phil, Peter BRACKAAAAY, Mike, and now Barrett.  Some of these experiences are caught on film and can be accessed on my YouTube account.  Just look for my “Real Housebottoms of West Hollywood” series.

Worst memory: Teaching a summer section of COMM 301, Rhetorical/Communication Criticism.  First, the class is way too complicated to teach in a summer session.  Plus, I caught NINE students plagiarizing.  One of the students was caught plagiarizing TWICE, acts made all the worse by his terrible attitude.   This was, by far, the worst teaching experience of my life.  This is the one and only time I’ve had a class turn on me.  A total nightmare.  Easily, the 6 most miserable weeks of my year.

Most prideful moment: You know how Chris Rock says people shouldn’t take pride in what they’re SUPPOSED to do? We’ll I’m about to take pride in doing something I should have done a long time ago. 15 years ago, my (at-the-time) best friend Brad told his parents that my father wasn’t willing to buy me a computer.  I was attending the University of Houston and forced to drive over an hour to the worst part of town any time I wanted/needed to word process or hop on the internet.  This was right around the time the internet was first exploding and, as a college student, I desperately needed better access to a computer.  Brad’s parents, Ed and Lynda, were loaded and offered to buy me a computer that I would pay off in monthly installments.  After 3-4 months, I stopped paying them back.  I was DIRT POOR.  I could barely afford the $30 application fee to the University of Texas and my dad was absolutely no help.  In the last 15 years, I’ve felt several pangs of guilt for not paying the Stephens.  I contacted Ed in August of this year and apologized for my inexcusable delay.  I started paying them back for the computer that month.  In January, I will make my last payment to them and clear my debt.  There are a few ways to think about pride.  Pride can be shallow, like the pride I take in an expensive pair of sunglasses.  Pride can also be a mark of one a person’s ethos, like making the right decision because the choice says something about his or her character.  I take pride in paying back Ed and Lynda Stephens because the act says something about my integrity.  We all have moments when we’re unwilling or unable to be our best possible selves.  Not paying the Stephens back for 15 years ate away at me because I didn’t want to be a crooked person.  I didn’t want to sell my integrity for $1200 and, in the process, screw over really kind people. In the midst of a furlough and other pay cuts, I managed to clear my conscience and do exactly what I was SUPPOSED TO DO 15 years ago.

Most embarrassing moment: This one’s difficult because I can’t recall any booger-in-my-nose-while-talking-to-hottie moments.  I went out on a few dates with my bartender Curtis.  I haven’t allowed myself to crush on anyone in years and I made the mistake of crushing on him, which was stupid of me for several reasons.  First, he’s my bartender and going on a date with him is totally shitting where I eat.  Second, he’s SUPER sober and I’m SUPER not.  The guy’s so sober he hosts a sober day at Here called SoBAR.  Third, he’s a porn star.  So why is this “embarrassing”? I’m not embarrassed that I went out with him or was super hurt when nothing really materialized.  Curtis is a great guy and has one of the kindest hearts I’ve seen in LA.  Feelings of embarrassment emerge when any of us crush on a person and things don’t evolve.  I, in particular, act out and get hot (e.g., random sexting) and cold (e.g., passive-aggressive).  We’re still friends.  And I’m feeling a lot better about the situation.

Number of people slept with: I can’t remember an exact number but I think I slept with roughly 3-4 people.

Started with a significant other: No.

Ended with a significant other: Nope

Ending the year with more money, or less: Significantly less, which is made all the worse because my winter class was cancelled.  Thanks, winter session.  Thanks, faculty furlough.  That’s $10K I’ll never see.

Best Friend: Marty Yudizky

Biggest Enemy: I don’t have any enemies.  My skin still crawls when I bump into Paul or John, but my anger at them is subsiding.  I truly don’t hate anyone.

Favorite TV Shows: I can’t possibly narrow this down to one show.  This was a FANTASTIC year in television.  In no particular order, my favorite shows of 2009 are Hoarders, Damages, Top Chef, every iteration of Real Housewives with the exception of NJ, My Life on the D-List, Survivor, Big Brother, Bad Girls Club, 30 Rock, The Office, and Parks and Recreation.

Favorite Movie: Precious. I love the conversations incited by this film.  Many of my friends have debated whether or not this film perpetuates racist mythology.  My friend Christa, for example, pointed out that all the heroes in the film are light skinned (e.g., Mariah Carey, Lenny Kravitz, and Paula Patton), while all the film’s antagonists are dark skinned.  Other friends suggest that the film is a post-racist (not to say racism is over) critique of old racial myths.  Some claim that this is the way Precious SEES the characters; even Precious explicitly states her desire to have light skin and date a light-skinned man.  The beauty of the conversation is that EVERYONE is right.  Ah, postmodernism! I identify with Precious (the character) because I know what it’s like to be seen as a sexual vessel, punching bag, and shell of a person.  I know what it’s like to internalize all the shittiest things people project on to me.    I know, I know; I’m just another gay white gay equating my experiences to those of a black female.

Favorite Book: Official Book Club Selection by Kathy Griffin

Favorite Bands/Singers: Lady GaGa.  It took me a while to jump on the GaGa bandwagon but I’m glad I did.  I think “Paparazzi” is the best song of the year.

Favorite Purchases: new iMac, iPhone 3GS

Concerts: I don’t remember going to a single concert.  Oh, unless you count the impromptu John Secada concert at The Grove.  There’s a controversial blog entry about it, too!

Places Visited: SF for NYE, Laguna Beach for July 4^th and Phoenix/Tempe/Mesa for WSCA.

Best Trip: I hate to say this but I didn’t have a best trip in 2009.  Laguna was fun while we were at the beach but everything else kinda’ sucked; see my Yelp review of the Aliso Creek Inn for more details.  The trip to Phoenix was business, and, while it was great to see a lot of my old friends, work trips are anything but vacations. And then there was SF…

Worst Trip: Ringing in the 2009 New Year in SF.  The trip was a total bust and ended up ruining my friendship with Kendra.  Initially, Kendra and I were going to spend NYE together, without the complications of a lot of other people.  As SF approached, she invited a few other people along for the ride.  One of the tag-alongs was a 21-year-old girl.  I don’t have anything against 21-year-olds but I spend my year instructing them and don’t want to waste one of my very few vacations hanging out with one.  In other words, Xmas break is an opportunity for me to get away from the youngsters and re-energize.  I was the only non-smoker in the group, so I was, on several occasions, left alone in the bar while Kendra and her friends went to smoke.  I threw in the towel when they all started talking in contrived British accents.  After spending about an hour (combined) by myself in a packed bar in the Castro while the faux British invaded the patio to smoke, I decided to leave and go, sans accompaniment, to a warehouse circuit party. Try as I might to like SF, I hate it.  I’ve cultivated more bad memories in that city than I care to recall.

Looking forward to in 2010: The end of this ridiculous CSU faculty furlough.  Getting an Apple Tablet.  The prospect of Cory moving back to LA.  NCA in San Francisco, which seems contradictory, I know. The Sex & the City sequel.

Dreading in 2010: Going up for early tenure. From what I gather, there’s a HUGE and unkind chasm between my department’s expectations for regular and early tenure.  In my heart and head, I know I have worked my ass off and deserve early tenure and promotion.  I’m prepared to push as hard I need to claim what I earnestly believe I’ve earned.  I submit my files in October and will know in early 2011.  Stay tuned.

Autobiographical Timeline, 2000-2009

NOTE: Click on portions of the timeline to enlarge the pictures and type.  (And, yes, I forgot to hide Word’s spelling and grammar lines before I made pictures out of the documents.)

People I Don’t Trust:

• People who are ALWAYS in relationships.
• People who are ALWAYS single, which explains why I don’t always trust my own judgment.
• People who use a history of chaos to justify a future of turmoil.
• Friends of my friends who, in group conversations, turn their fucking backs to my face and wall me out of the discussion.
• Men and women who bond via negativity, like building a friendship out of mutual disdain for a third person.
• People on Facebook who ASK ME to be THEIR fans.  If you have to REQUEST fans, you don’t need a fan page.
• People who are only nice to you after you are mean to them; but you’re only mean to them because they were horrible to you when you were being friendly.
• People who regularly send group text messages.
• ANYONE who prefers PC to Mac.
• Most people who currently live in the same city in which they graduated high school.
• Poets and critics who myopically focus on word economy.  Excess is also art.
• Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole Smith’s enabler.
• People who have more answers than questions.
• People who don’t critique the policies of political candidates they voted into office.
• Students who say, “I need an ‘A’ or ‘B’ in this class”; but don’t work for what they “need.”
• Men who want to fuck me without using a condom.
• Men who want to fuck me before the third date.
• Any guy I meet online.

“take it from a girl who is already half angel” (required viewing)

8 Things Doctoral Students Should Consider When Starting Their Program of Study

1. This is one of the very few times in your career that a leader in your field will provide substantive feedback on your ideas before you submit them to conferences and journals.  After a professor returns an essay, take his or her words to heart and go back and REVISE the paper.  Many Ph.D. students treat final paper submissions as an endgame, when, in actuality, submitting an essay at the end of the semester is an EARLY step in constructing a research report.
2. At conferences, you are selling yourself (but not in a Pretty Woman way).  Every paper presentation is a sales pitch.  Even if your paper is a piece of shit, sell yourself.  Most people who attend conferences have no idea how to effectively present their ideas.  Many presenters read directly off a piece of paper (or worse, a COMPUTER screen) and make little earnest effort to LOOK AT their audience members.  Most get bogged down in boring details and, before they’ve even made it past a summary of their methods section, the panel chair has handed them a note that indicates they’ve gone overtime and need to end their presentation.  Be thankful that these people make the mistakes they do; this will make standing out in a GOOD way easier for you.  If you ENGAGE your audience by providing AT LEAST 90% eye contact and only focusing on 2-3 of the coolest aspects of your paper, you’ll leave them wanting more.  They’ll likely talk to their colleagues about you and your work.  Landing a tenure-track position is a lot easier when people are already familiar with your name, face, and scholarship.
3. Have a healthy attitude about the competitive aspects of doctoral study.  By the end of your second year, you’ll notice a few stars emerge in your cohort; you’ll also recognize more than a few people have sank to the bottom of the academic barrel.  The person you recognize as the most productive student in your program should be in your crosshairs.  Okay, maybe “crosshairs” is a little dramatic; but I encourage you to do all that you can to develop a HEALTHY and FRIENDLY competition with the leaders in your pack because the JOB MARKET is HIGLHY competitive. How many “top paper” awards have the most productive people in your cohort accumulated? How many papers have they submitted to peer-reviewed journals? How many essays have they had published? Have you held more or less positions on academic association committees? Answers to these questions will help determine how competitive you will be when you enter the job market.  If you aren’t one of the leaders in the microcosm of your program, you can’t expect to be highly competitive in the macrocosm of the job market.
4. Submit every paper you produce.  Even if you think an essay is a steaming pile of shit, submit it.  There have been times in my conference career that I’ve won paper awards for what I initially perceived to be lackluster scholarship; on other occasions, some of my most insightful work hasn’t made it past a division’s review process.
5. Don’t alienate yourself from your cohort.  Even if you really don’t like some of your peers, do your best to keep graduate student relationships amicable.  Members of your cohort are, in many ways, your trans-institutional lifelines.  You’ll rely on them for future panel participation, anthology offers, and job opportunities.  If you anticipate problems with somebody in your area of specialization, keep a friendly distance.  Doctoral programs are filled with a lot of smart people and STRONG personalities.  Not everyone’s going to get along, but there’s no point in demonizing people and developing enemies.  Avoid many of the traps your peers may set.  Don’t scapegoat the man or woman who over-contributes in a class.  Try to avoid negativity-based bonding.
6. Unlike faculty, your time at the university is TEMPORARY.  Your temporary status has benefits and drawbacks.  On one hand, you shouldn’t expect a faculty member to advocate on your behalf if it means betraying the confidence of another faculty member.  Faculty members and Ph.D. students spend roughly 4 years in close quarters; but they spend most of their careers with their tenured and tenure-track colleagues.  On the other hand, limited temporality gives Ph.D. students an often misunderstood and unrecognized power.  You can often challenge injustices in the system without much dire consequence; just keep your questioning and critique productive and don’t piss off anyone who might badmouth you to potential employers.
7. Split course readings into manageable chunks.  On average, you’ll read 150 pages in a class each week.  This reading will be much easier to knock out if you read 30 pages a day, five days a week.  I also recommend segmenting paper writing and stretching it out over a few weeks.  A 20-page paper is MUCH EASIER to write when you write one page a day, 5 pages a week, over the course of two weeks.  Your final product will probably end up being much more contemplative and polished than a report that was produced in its entirety a day or two before the deadline.
8. Don’t be embarrassed by what you don’t know.  When I was in school, I noticed a lot of Ph.D. students who were too ashamed to admit they were unfamiliar with specific concepts or didn’t fully understand a theory.  You should NEVER be reluctant to ask for points of clarification.  Conversely, many doctoral students make their peers feel ignorant if they don’t share an intimate knowledge of THEIR OWN area of specialization.  Don’t buy their bullshit.  Focus on your specialty and do all you can to understand and appreciate concepts that may be foreign to you.  Use seminars as a SPACE TO ENGAGE IDEAS THAT CONFOUND YOU.  Don’t pass up the rich opportunities of understanding that seminars provide.