I want to officially claim a word that I first used on Fox and the City 338 (May 6, 2009). This word is “HYPOCHRISTIAN.” “HypoChristianity” characterizes the selective and convenient use of religious dogma by the likes of so-called “Christians.” Christian doctrine is used to justify bigoted points of view, despite the hypoChristian’s questionable ethics and haphazard personal adherence to religious law. Take, for example, the following three hypoChristian celebrities:
- Sherri Shepherd: The View co-host Sherri Shepherd is to hypoChristianity what Tom Cruise is to Scientology. Over the last two years, she’s used her religious rebirth to denounce the right of gays to marry, belittle transgendered people, speak out against evolution, and claim the world is FLAT, while playing up the stereotype of an over-sexed black woman who daily reminds Viewers that she can’t get enough sex; LOVES sex; wants to have sex with every fine, black man; and would love to have sex every hour of every day. On other episodes, she speaks out against a woman’s right to choose, despite her admission that she had “multiple abortions.” I guess a woman’s right to choose only counts when SHE’S the one making the decision.
- George W. Bush: Born-again Christians tend to be the WORST hypoChristians. As Madge Weinstein once claimed, every day is opposite day for this former coke head. “Culture of Life” means “Sewer of Death.” I have a hard time believing Jesus would have told his enemies, “Bring it on!”
- Heidi Montag and Carrie Prejean: The only difference between these hypoChristians is that the former is a gay marriage advocate, which admittedly is a substantive difference. I lump the two together because they both espouse Christian rhetoric ad infinitum, while filling their boobs with silicone and posing for pussy pictures. Today on The View, Heidi claimed to be a modern version of Mother Theresa, which caused fellow hypoChristian Sherri Shepherd to fall into a tailspin. The women did, however, agree that the world is flat and Dinosaur bones were sent by the devil to “trick” us. HypoChristians LOOOOVE to justify their disdain for science by talking about the devil’s tomfoolery. In an effort to explain their bad behavior on I’m (Not) a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, Montag claimed the devil tricked Spencer into being mean and then Spencer tricked her but only because the devil tricked Spencer. I believe in the utility of Occam’s Razor. Nobody tricked you, Heidi, you’re just a hypoChristian idiot.
Claiming the term “hypoChristian” is important because I don’t want some asshole taking credit for my work. In the past couple of weeks, Perez Whale-ton (aka Perez Hilton) has co-opted “amazeballs,” a term coined by my friend Beth Crosby of Jessica and Hunter fame. In Carlos Mencia-esque fashion, the bloated gossip blogger stole Beth’s word and has been pawning it off as his own creation. The word was recently one of the most trended terms on Twitter, beating the likes of “Lakers” a SINGLE DAY after LA beat Orlando for the NBA title. My heart aches for Beth. Perez has seen Beth and JC’s videos. Hell, he was featured in one of them. He knows where he got “amazeballs,” and, despite this, has done NOTHING to promote their work on his website. Next time I see that sweaty whale, I’m going to throw a harpoon in him.
I know how much it sucks to sit back and watch people shteal my shtick. Take, for example, the following Fox terminology that’s been hijacked from my various performances and used, without credit, to promote other people’s art:
- “Power bottom”: Granted, I’m not the FIRST person to use this term, but the label only emerged with ferocity several months after I popularized it on Fox and the City. If you can point to any widespread use of “power bottom” that predates May of 2005, I’ll relinquish “power bottom” to the universe and sleep better at night. Of the three FOXY phrases I list in this entry, “power bottom” is the only one I feel iffy about claiming.
- “America’s Next Top Bottom”: I can attach a date to this phrase! I first used “America’s Next Top Bottom” on Fox and the City some time before June of 2006. I know this because, on June 14, 2006, I released a one-hour special episode of Fox and the City titled “America’s Next Top Bottom,” which was a self-description I’d used on the podcast LONG before the special.
- “Real HouseBottoms of West Hollywood”: Yep, this is another Foxism featured on Fox and the City. I take great pride in my verbal celebrations of all things bottom, because bottoms tend to be a marginalized, feminized group both inside and outside of the gay community. One of Fox and the City’s greatest contributions is an artistic celebration and redefinition of what it means to be a bottom. I explain this reclamation of “bottom” in my “America’s Next Top Bottom” special.
I’m aware that multiple people can simultaneously have the same funny, creative idea. But when it KEEPS happening? Mind you, these are only THREE of the many Foxy phrases that have been stolen from my pretty mouth.
Don’t get me wrong. I love fans of my work! I encourage you to adopt Foxy terminology. I only have a problem with co-optation when my work’s used in some sort of performance setting and not credited. Rather than steal Beth and JC’s shtick, for example, I FEATURE their work on my show and tell you how to find their videos.
